I just wrote a message to someone I admire. I'm ten years too late in discovering what I wanted to do for a living. But when I was living out my interests and starting to change my image, I was a little apprehensive. Not from an inner doubt did I slowly reveal this deep inner desire. Just how to go about making it a reality, a lifestyle is why it seemed to overwhelm me. There was a world out there that I fit in and jumping into it was all I wanted to do. But no one currently in my life would of followed me or help me get there. Maybe that's why it was so scary in a sense. If I cut my bangs like Bettie Page, get tattoos, piercings and go to car shows will it just take on a life of it's own. Could I sport the vintage hairstyles and clothing? Could I go as far as go-go dancer and pin up girl? How big is that world in the year 2000? There is an innocense of that 50's era that I have always wanted to be a part of, I have always respected and admired. Would that be relived in me? I wanted so much to make it real for me.
Deep down I feel I have missed out on me, even though I am pretty happy where I am. I just will always wonder.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
You can't change circumstances, you can't change people but you CAN change your attitude.
I am currently reading this book that is suppose to help me understand why men and women act the way they do. Other then hearing the usual differences like, "men are like waffles and women are like spaghetti," I have discovered, I have a new respect for women!
With the many variables that can make women feel stressed, depressed and/or overwhelmed, there is suppose to be an equal amount of options to help us combat these feelings. Get informed, get a grip, get in sync and get stabilized, sounds easier said then done. Given the proper time, I can see where that would be helpful, instead of just hopeful. Before I give you some insight on what I'm reading............
Note-The only time a woman is usually stable emotionally is at the very beginning of life, when we are too young to appreciate it and at the end of life when we are too old to do much with it.
When PMS, pregnancy, perimenopause, or menopause aren't in play, we're fighting off depression, dealing with the drastic changes that come with childbearing, (with each child) coping with sleep deprivation, supporting the fragile male ego, dealing with a crisis, holding together some sort of marriage, arguing with mother(s) trying to convince her that we have it under control, etc. Just when we think we have some stability, life is always thrusting us into another rollercoaster of change that dominates our emotions.
I have been introduced to another world it seems. I'm always joking about pulling my hair out with the dealings of a toddler boy and the hormones of a teenage girl, when my husband was out of work. Yet again life gives me a break cause both of my kids are not in school and my husband most the time is pretty wonderful, he's working now. Just when I think things are starting to get back on track, I start laughing thinking about how funny it would be to go through menopause, while my husband goes through his midlife. No, I'm good. Getting back............
I hear a lot of myself in my friends with their families. The common denominator is discontent. We all want to feel significant, that were making a difference. We want to express beauty in everything we do. But especially, we find beauty in simple things. Like a leisurely drawn bath with bubbles and scented candles, sitting with a book or magazine without scouting the edges of the pages for the things that need to get done. Having the husband or kids help on the weekend with kitchen duty or cooking dinner. These are beautiful things.
The best thing women can do for themselves is TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELVES. For a minute stop fussing over everyone else and do something you like......quilt-free. Take time that you need to eat properly, sleep properly, wind down properly from your day and get out once a week. With your husband, maybe by yourself. That is a choice you have to make--to make time with you, for you. When things are overwhelming you which they will, don't forget that you are not alone. Many women through the ages feel what you feel. We will find strength in each other.
With the many variables that can make women feel stressed, depressed and/or overwhelmed, there is suppose to be an equal amount of options to help us combat these feelings. Get informed, get a grip, get in sync and get stabilized, sounds easier said then done. Given the proper time, I can see where that would be helpful, instead of just hopeful. Before I give you some insight on what I'm reading............
Note-The only time a woman is usually stable emotionally is at the very beginning of life, when we are too young to appreciate it and at the end of life when we are too old to do much with it.
When PMS, pregnancy, perimenopause, or menopause aren't in play, we're fighting off depression, dealing with the drastic changes that come with childbearing, (with each child) coping with sleep deprivation, supporting the fragile male ego, dealing with a crisis, holding together some sort of marriage, arguing with mother(s) trying to convince her that we have it under control, etc. Just when we think we have some stability, life is always thrusting us into another rollercoaster of change that dominates our emotions.
I have been introduced to another world it seems. I'm always joking about pulling my hair out with the dealings of a toddler boy and the hormones of a teenage girl, when my husband was out of work. Yet again life gives me a break cause both of my kids are not in school and my husband most the time is pretty wonderful, he's working now. Just when I think things are starting to get back on track, I start laughing thinking about how funny it would be to go through menopause, while my husband goes through his midlife. No, I'm good. Getting back............
I hear a lot of myself in my friends with their families. The common denominator is discontent. We all want to feel significant, that were making a difference. We want to express beauty in everything we do. But especially, we find beauty in simple things. Like a leisurely drawn bath with bubbles and scented candles, sitting with a book or magazine without scouting the edges of the pages for the things that need to get done. Having the husband or kids help on the weekend with kitchen duty or cooking dinner. These are beautiful things.
The best thing women can do for themselves is TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELVES. For a minute stop fussing over everyone else and do something you like......quilt-free. Take time that you need to eat properly, sleep properly, wind down properly from your day and get out once a week. With your husband, maybe by yourself. That is a choice you have to make--to make time with you, for you. When things are overwhelming you which they will, don't forget that you are not alone. Many women through the ages feel what you feel. We will find strength in each other.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Insensitivity is a killer.................
.............my husband seems to think his is mild. I know he is crawling in his hole right now, when I cry my eyes out and he's making a sandwiche and prepping his next movie. He may be feeling at the time nothing he does or doesn't do is "right." His protective mechanism of saying nothing, doing nothing that wounds my spirit. Not participating and disregarding a human being all together is the worst.
I know society walks by the homeless all the time and figure they've done something or not enough as a result of them being there. I'm his wife, the mother of his son, how about a little empathy and/or reassuring bullshit phrase that things will work themselves out. It's been a long time since I've been in this much emotional pain and I just can't seem to run away from this one. I'm drowning in my tears and sadness with no outlet. There is no reaching my husband, he's only there for the honerable deeds like working and bringing home money. His way of coping with the same worry. I guess for now that should be good, be my focus, my coping repetitive thought, if I don't want my kids to feel what I'm feeling now in my heart. I'm a Mom to my kids and that's gonna be it for me. They are my drive, my strength. That's what they need and I have to be there, no matter what I feel or the emptyness I want to escape from. We have had so much stress, life has been hard on us the last year, especially. It doesn't seem life wants to give us a break until we've learned to work through these lessons together, as one. We still butt heads a lot, letting off steam I guess but in the end I'm sure we will be stronger. Right now it seems hopeless trying to get along.
I know society walks by the homeless all the time and figure they've done something or not enough as a result of them being there. I'm his wife, the mother of his son, how about a little empathy and/or reassuring bullshit phrase that things will work themselves out. It's been a long time since I've been in this much emotional pain and I just can't seem to run away from this one. I'm drowning in my tears and sadness with no outlet. There is no reaching my husband, he's only there for the honerable deeds like working and bringing home money. His way of coping with the same worry. I guess for now that should be good, be my focus, my coping repetitive thought, if I don't want my kids to feel what I'm feeling now in my heart. I'm a Mom to my kids and that's gonna be it for me. They are my drive, my strength. That's what they need and I have to be there, no matter what I feel or the emptyness I want to escape from. We have had so much stress, life has been hard on us the last year, especially. It doesn't seem life wants to give us a break until we've learned to work through these lessons together, as one. We still butt heads a lot, letting off steam I guess but in the end I'm sure we will be stronger. Right now it seems hopeless trying to get along.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Can it be that easy?
I was on the internet for a few hours today. My usual routine of job searching for my husband, while he is at work. And while on his email account found one of those "person finding" websites in his collection. Well, for fun I thought I'd punch in my father's name. Haven't seen or talked to him in like 14 years. Don't have a clue where he could be. And 42 choices popped up, with one that drew my attention, only because the middle initial and age were accurate. I thought this was too easy and too good to be true, if this one is actually him. I went as far as writing down the town, STATE. But of course the catch is there is a fee to find out more. My sister has been more on the "MISSING PERSON" search and has put a lot of time and effort into it. If I did this, it would be for her mostly. Part of me is quite curious and has a lot to tell. But the flip side is I have gone this long without, would it make a difference in my life? To add, my husband has just gotten a response from his son after 8 years of no communicato, this has been an aching void that has put a weight on his heart since I've known him. I don't think I have that with my father. Can of worms or no can of worms, that is the question?
Thursday, November 11, 2010
The holidays are here, it's a special time of year.
My brother passed away a few days before Thanksgiving about 6 years ago. On top of this hardship on our immediate family, I have been asked to join my mother and brother in Thanksgiving dining, two people with who I haven't spoke with, since August.
The family use to gather with relatives for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Remembering those loved ones that are missing presently became a reason to do our own celebrating in smaller groups. There was an ackward kind of avoidance/sadness that we pretended wasn't there. If there was an Egg Nog bowl allowed, I'm sure we all would of parked there, instead of around the Christmas Tree. No disrespect to my fam. It's just, a few years ago, it was very depressing because the family line had been at a screeching halt for awhile. The pressure was on, the looks given to me and my siblings to-do-the-nasty and supply some offspring, is a comical way of describing a perspective, that had no comical view at the time. Maybe it doesn't still. Thank God for children, this time of year it's especially about them. We have four beautiful children to enjoy this year.
My holiday tradition is to reflect back to where I was a year ago. I don't believe in waiting for New Year's Eve to resolve those areas that need work on in my life. I think if there is work needed it should be addressed at the appropriate time. In this statement I am facing a decision that will make some people happy and some disappointed. But all in all, I have to stick to my guns. I believe my decision will be in the best interest of all. In my mind spending time with the four of us seems more positive and warm this year for the holidays. This year is my sister's turn to be with our family instead of her in-laws. Her and her family are welcome to be a part of our holidays in anyway that works for them. But I will have to decline spending time with my mother and brother. Vanessa will not be caught in-between or made to feel bad for whatever decision she makes on how she spends her holiday. I think she is the most frustrated with me about this. My initial thoughts were like hers but I can't turn my morals and values off when it's inconvenient for her.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!
The family use to gather with relatives for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Remembering those loved ones that are missing presently became a reason to do our own celebrating in smaller groups. There was an ackward kind of avoidance/sadness that we pretended wasn't there. If there was an Egg Nog bowl allowed, I'm sure we all would of parked there, instead of around the Christmas Tree. No disrespect to my fam. It's just, a few years ago, it was very depressing because the family line had been at a screeching halt for awhile. The pressure was on, the looks given to me and my siblings to-do-the-nasty and supply some offspring, is a comical way of describing a perspective, that had no comical view at the time. Maybe it doesn't still. Thank God for children, this time of year it's especially about them. We have four beautiful children to enjoy this year.
My holiday tradition is to reflect back to where I was a year ago. I don't believe in waiting for New Year's Eve to resolve those areas that need work on in my life. I think if there is work needed it should be addressed at the appropriate time. In this statement I am facing a decision that will make some people happy and some disappointed. But all in all, I have to stick to my guns. I believe my decision will be in the best interest of all. In my mind spending time with the four of us seems more positive and warm this year for the holidays. This year is my sister's turn to be with our family instead of her in-laws. Her and her family are welcome to be a part of our holidays in anyway that works for them. But I will have to decline spending time with my mother and brother. Vanessa will not be caught in-between or made to feel bad for whatever decision she makes on how she spends her holiday. I think she is the most frustrated with me about this. My initial thoughts were like hers but I can't turn my morals and values off when it's inconvenient for her.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!
Monday, November 1, 2010
Could you read my mind?
A couple months ago something happened to me, that has left me stuck in the middle of pain and anger. That's a very "lonely place" to be. I don't like being here by myself but I am. I try to tell you how I feel and that I can't just switch it off. No words could describe, I wish you could just read my mind.
I go through my daily routine feeling like I'm different...........a void...........something isn't right and I am overwhelmed. It doesn't seem fair for the kids so I smile and try not to be too transparent. Feeling dissatisfied and unappreciated is a hard thing to hide. You have been preoccupied with your own things lately and are making adjustments accordingly. And we have been more at odds, then together. This transition will pass.
With the recent news, I feel a need, an opportunity to step out of myself and be there for you. You seem unresponsive. Like how I have been to your advances before. Processing can only be defined by the individual. Sincerety can only be felt by the receiver. I believe that sincerety comes when the concern is not one that takes things "personally" about something unrelated and recipitates with an insult. I will try to be there for you, sincerely.
Let me paint a picture in your mind. When I was little, there was a time when my Dad was my whole world. Things started to change, he was less patient, there was less time for us and he was too busy fighting with Mom. In attempts to recapture what we had, I would have heart-to-heart talks with him. The "deep thinker" outings became ranting sessions. The quizing games from Mom when I arrived home were unbearable. Then he started drinking and I felt I had lost him permanently. He would never be the same, we would never be the same, this man was different from what I grew to know. I was in "a lonely, unfamiliar place". When that little girl senses a major change, inside I panic. I have to say something, get things off my chest before I loose my chance to reach him. This may be the last chance I have to recapture what is slipping away before he becomes a different man. That different man can occur for different reasons. My men, change with loss.
You may have lost your Dad, and in that loss your relationship with your son, has been reborn. This has been an aching void in your life. A source of that overwhelming, without the switch. I am glad you have that again, I am happy you have this to help you through this loss. This will be a reconnecting, refamiliarization of different men, at different times in their lives. This is exciting and you have a second chance to be what you were. A father to your son. You need each other.
But for some reason we haven't felt need for one another. Does that make us indifferent? Is that okay not to need each other through this? Are we afraid, that when it is all over we will return different people? For a moment, that is what I think and then in my lonely place...........I have consoled that little girl. Cause even in those familiar thought patterns, I am different and have learned to be resiliant. That is where I find strength. It's not a choice, just the course of my nature. The nature of my process.
I go through my daily routine feeling like I'm different...........a void...........something isn't right and I am overwhelmed. It doesn't seem fair for the kids so I smile and try not to be too transparent. Feeling dissatisfied and unappreciated is a hard thing to hide. You have been preoccupied with your own things lately and are making adjustments accordingly. And we have been more at odds, then together. This transition will pass.
With the recent news, I feel a need, an opportunity to step out of myself and be there for you. You seem unresponsive. Like how I have been to your advances before. Processing can only be defined by the individual. Sincerety can only be felt by the receiver. I believe that sincerety comes when the concern is not one that takes things "personally" about something unrelated and recipitates with an insult. I will try to be there for you, sincerely.
Let me paint a picture in your mind. When I was little, there was a time when my Dad was my whole world. Things started to change, he was less patient, there was less time for us and he was too busy fighting with Mom. In attempts to recapture what we had, I would have heart-to-heart talks with him. The "deep thinker" outings became ranting sessions. The quizing games from Mom when I arrived home were unbearable. Then he started drinking and I felt I had lost him permanently. He would never be the same, we would never be the same, this man was different from what I grew to know. I was in "a lonely, unfamiliar place". When that little girl senses a major change, inside I panic. I have to say something, get things off my chest before I loose my chance to reach him. This may be the last chance I have to recapture what is slipping away before he becomes a different man. That different man can occur for different reasons. My men, change with loss.
You may have lost your Dad, and in that loss your relationship with your son, has been reborn. This has been an aching void in your life. A source of that overwhelming, without the switch. I am glad you have that again, I am happy you have this to help you through this loss. This will be a reconnecting, refamiliarization of different men, at different times in their lives. This is exciting and you have a second chance to be what you were. A father to your son. You need each other.
But for some reason we haven't felt need for one another. Does that make us indifferent? Is that okay not to need each other through this? Are we afraid, that when it is all over we will return different people? For a moment, that is what I think and then in my lonely place...........I have consoled that little girl. Cause even in those familiar thought patterns, I am different and have learned to be resiliant. That is where I find strength. It's not a choice, just the course of my nature. The nature of my process.
Monday, October 18, 2010
I just want to scream as loud as I can for...............
............her to WAKE UP! Just when I thought my daughter's lifestyle of "doing nothing" couldn't get worse, she is up at all hours of the night and sleeps half of the day away. Her boyfriend must work nights?! But even so he must be busy working in order to still have a job. It is so hard, actually heartbreaking to go throughout my day with that puriferral view of my daughter "doing nothing." She graduated 4 months ago and most of her friends are working, going to school or both. It's very difficult to motivate a child who is still very much a child and doesn't like the responsibilities that come with or take to be a grown up. In many ways she just wants to be taken care of. I think I have failed her in that way. Raising a single child on my own for many years, just to get busy with other things like a husband and another child. I think she is still 10, waiting for her mother to return without her added busy-ness and responsibility. I think she'll be waiting for a long time. I have set aside time for her, I have tried to reach her in different ways and I have been unsuccessful. She is cooperative for awhile and soon looses interest in whatever time or activity I have commited to. I try to do something to promote physical activity or provide a window to have heart-to-hearts. She is 18, in her own little world and I mean "little."
When I was her age I had worked since I was 16, helped babysit/raise my two younger siblings and couldn't wait to start my life doing what I wanted without my mother's thumb on everything that I showed interest in. Self-expression was not permitted and/or supported. When that's all I want for my daughter. Spread her wings and make her dreams and aspirations come true. For her to see that her relationships aren't all of her world but just a big perk in her world. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs.........WAKE UP!!!!!!
When I was her age I had worked since I was 16, helped babysit/raise my two younger siblings and couldn't wait to start my life doing what I wanted without my mother's thumb on everything that I showed interest in. Self-expression was not permitted and/or supported. When that's all I want for my daughter. Spread her wings and make her dreams and aspirations come true. For her to see that her relationships aren't all of her world but just a big perk in her world. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs.........WAKE UP!!!!!!
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
The one person I should be able to trust...........
....................has on occasion at her convenience, rejected her own blood. For what reason on this Earth does she have to justify abandoning her role and responsibilty to her child(ren)? I couldn't even begin to understand the thought or feelings that would surface to have a parent behave in such a way. The unhealthiness of the individual who can act on this over and over through time, without remorse or change.......... is quite disturbing. I would not want such an individual who doesn't know love, compassion, patience, acceptance and understanding to coexist amongst my family or myself. What would she have to offer other then darkness, rejection, pain and negativity? I will not allow someone so hung up on trying to navigate my course in life, to treat me in such a way. I have done nothing else but give of myself, be myself and love this person all my life. She doesn't deserve or appreciate that, I have nothing else here to give. I don't believe you ever wanted me to have any love, joy or success in my life. Despite your failings of trying to control me, I have managed to find, possess and claim these blessings on my own........for myself. Knowing this, ask yourself did you get what you wanted? Do you have what you want? Do you believe you know best? I can say when I go to rest my head at night, THAT I DO!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
What is there left to say?
I am a mellow dramatic queen
and you are the drama king............will you love me anyway?
I am a fire on your fuse
and you are the fuse that already blew............should you love me anyway?
I am a armored heart full of emotion
and you are a spirit driven sword always in motion............can you love me anyway?
I am a friend you never had
and you are the love of my life, they said was bad.........what do they know of love anyway?
I am a girl of your dreams
and you are the boy of many schemes............could there be love beyond today?
I am the one that was there
and you were the soul that didn't care...........almost threw it all away?
I am a flower that never grew
and you have wings that never flew............what is it that makes us stay?
I am the hope that has brought us here
and you are the doubt that sheds a tear..........who is to ask if I may?
I am the midnight sky full of little stars
and you are the planets like Jupiter, like Mars......is there love in a different way?
I am the meaning in your life
and you have not asked me to be your wife.........would you ever love me in that way?
I am the lost lamb that went astray
and you are the tired, long traveled, Shepard that has led me to say.......have you loved me all the way?
Written in 2002 by me
and you are the drama king............will you love me anyway?
I am a fire on your fuse
and you are the fuse that already blew............should you love me anyway?
I am a armored heart full of emotion
and you are a spirit driven sword always in motion............can you love me anyway?
I am a friend you never had
and you are the love of my life, they said was bad.........what do they know of love anyway?
I am a girl of your dreams
and you are the boy of many schemes............could there be love beyond today?
I am the one that was there
and you were the soul that didn't care...........almost threw it all away?
I am a flower that never grew
and you have wings that never flew............what is it that makes us stay?
I am the hope that has brought us here
and you are the doubt that sheds a tear..........who is to ask if I may?
I am the midnight sky full of little stars
and you are the planets like Jupiter, like Mars......is there love in a different way?
I am the meaning in your life
and you have not asked me to be your wife.........would you ever love me in that way?
I am the lost lamb that went astray
and you are the tired, long traveled, Shepard that has led me to say.......have you loved me all the way?
Written in 2002 by me
Monday, October 4, 2010
Winery Barn
What if like Pottery Barn, Pampered Chef and Tubberware parties, we could come up with a unique bottle of wine or beer representing each personality and have it brewed? Have certain characteristics represent ingredients and certain backgrounds, style and values of that unique blend, mixed together. What wine would you be? A fruity chardonnay, a strong Merlot or unforgettable Pinot Noir?
And then of course after we are put in a bottle with our magical blend of smells and taste, slap a label on it and pour that man the most intoxicating glass of our essence. And as they say, we better with age.
And then of course after we are put in a bottle with our magical blend of smells and taste, slap a label on it and pour that man the most intoxicating glass of our essence. And as they say, we better with age.
Middle-aged Lifestyle
Discovering the rough edges of my adult self and fine tuning what's healthy and unhealthy. Going beyond the surface and reaching for the core. The edges let me know whether I am too manic or too depressed. As well as, if I am too full of rage or too silent and withdrawn. The spaciousness of adulthood can help label those strengths and weaknesses, discriminate what is liked and disliked and look outside the box. From the inside looking out, am I really that simple.........that square? I feel more complex than I look.
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