Could you read my mind?

A couple months ago something happened to me, that has left me stuck in the middle of pain and anger. That's a very "lonely place" to be. I don't like being here by myself but I am. I try to tell you how I feel and that I can't just switch it off. No words could describe, I wish you could just read my mind.

I go through my daily routine feeling like I'm different...........a void...........something isn't right and I am overwhelmed. It doesn't seem fair for the kids so I smile and try not to be too transparent. Feeling dissatisfied and unappreciated is a hard thing to hide. You have been preoccupied with your own things lately and are making adjustments accordingly. And we have been more at odds, then together. This transition will pass.

With the recent news, I feel a need, an opportunity to step out of myself and be there for you. You seem unresponsive. Like how I have been to your advances before. Processing can only be defined by the individual. Sincerety can only be felt by the receiver. I believe that sincerety comes when the concern is not one that takes things "personally" about something unrelated and recipitates with an insult. I will try to be there for you, sincerely.

Let me paint a picture in your mind. When I was little, there was a time when my Dad was my whole world. Things started to change, he was less patient, there was less time for us and he was too busy fighting with Mom. In attempts to recapture what we had, I would have heart-to-heart talks with him. The "deep thinker" outings became ranting sessions. The quizing games from Mom when I arrived home were unbearable. Then he started drinking and I felt I had lost him permanently. He would never be the same, we would never be the same, this man was different from what I grew to know. I was in "a lonely, unfamiliar place". When that little girl senses a major change, inside I panic. I have to say something, get things off my chest before I loose my chance to reach him. This may be the last chance I have to recapture what is slipping away before he becomes a different man. That different man can occur for different reasons. My men, change with loss.

You may have lost your Dad, and in that loss your relationship with your son, has been reborn. This has been an aching void in your life. A source of that overwhelming, without the switch. I am glad you have that again, I am happy you have this to help you through this loss. This will be a reconnecting, refamiliarization of different men, at different times in their lives. This is exciting and you have a second chance to be what you were. A father to your son. You need each other.

But for some reason we haven't felt need for one another. Does that make us indifferent? Is that okay not to need each other through this? Are we afraid, that when it is all over we will return different people? For a moment, that is what I think and then in my lonely place...........I have consoled that little girl. Cause even in those familiar thought patterns, I am different and have learned to be resiliant. That is where I find strength. It's not a choice, just the course of my nature. The nature of my process.