Insensitivity is a killer.................

.............my husband seems to think his is mild. I know he is crawling in his hole right now, when I cry my eyes out and he's making a sandwiche and prepping his next movie. He may be feeling at the time nothing he does or doesn't do is "right." His protective mechanism of saying nothing, doing nothing that wounds my spirit. Not participating and disregarding a human being all together is the worst.
I know society walks by the homeless all the time and figure they've done something or not enough as a result of them being there. I'm his wife, the mother of his son, how about a little empathy and/or reassuring bullshit phrase that things will work themselves out. It's been a long time since I've been in this much emotional pain and I just can't seem to run away from this one. I'm drowning in my tears and sadness with no outlet. There is no reaching my husband, he's only there for the honerable deeds like working and bringing home money. His way of coping with the same worry. I guess for now that should be good, be my focus, my coping repetitive thought, if I don't want my kids to feel what I'm feeling now in my heart. I'm a Mom to my kids and that's gonna be it for me. They are my drive, my strength. That's what they need and I have to be there, no matter what I feel or the emptyness I want to escape from. We have had so much stress, life has been hard on us the last year, especially. It doesn't seem life wants to give us a break until we've learned to work through these lessons together, as one. We still butt heads a lot, letting off steam I guess but in the end I'm sure we will be stronger. Right now it seems hopeless trying to get along.

Can it be that easy?

I was on the internet for a few hours today. My usual routine of job searching for my husband, while he is at work. And while on his email account found one of those "person finding" websites in his collection. Well, for fun I thought I'd punch in my father's name. Haven't seen or talked to him in like 14 years. Don't have a clue where he could be. And 42 choices popped up, with one that drew my attention, only because the middle initial and age were accurate. I thought this was too easy and too good to be true, if this one is actually him. I went as far as writing down the town, STATE. But of course the catch is there is a fee to find out more. My sister has been more on the "MISSING PERSON" search and has put a lot of time and effort into it. If I did this, it would be for her mostly. Part of me is quite curious and has a lot to tell. But the flip side is I have gone this long without, would it make a difference in my life? To add, my husband has just gotten a response from his son after 8 years of no communicato, this has been an aching void that has put a weight on his heart since I've known him. I don't think I have that with my father. Can of worms or no can of worms, that is the question?

The holidays are here, it's a special time of year.

My brother passed away a few days before Thanksgiving about 6 years ago. On top of this hardship on our immediate family, I have been asked to join my mother and brother in Thanksgiving dining, two people with who I haven't spoke with, since August. 

The family use to gather with relatives for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Remembering those loved ones that are missing presently became a reason to do our own celebrating in smaller groups. There was an ackward kind of avoidance/sadness that we pretended wasn't there. If there was an Egg Nog bowl allowed, I'm sure we all would of parked there, instead of around the Christmas Tree. No disrespect to my fam. It's just, a few years ago, it was very depressing because the family line had been at a screeching halt for awhile. The pressure was on, the looks given to me and my siblings to-do-the-nasty and supply some offspring, is a comical way of describing a perspective, that had no comical view at the time. Maybe it doesn't still. Thank God for children, this time of year it's especially about them. We have four beautiful children to enjoy this year.

My holiday tradition is to reflect back to where I was a year ago. I don't believe in waiting for New Year's Eve to resolve those areas that need work on in my life. I think if there is work needed it should be addressed at the appropriate time. In this statement I am facing a decision that will make some people happy and some disappointed. But all in all, I have to stick to my guns. I believe my decision will be in the best interest of all. In my mind spending time with the four of us seems more positive and warm this year for the holidays. This year is my sister's turn to be with our family instead of her in-laws. Her and her family are welcome to be a part of our holidays in anyway that works for them. But I will have to decline spending time with my mother and brother. Vanessa will not be caught in-between or made to feel bad for whatever decision she makes on how she spends her holiday. I think she is the most frustrated with me about this. My initial thoughts were like hers but I can't turn my morals and values off when it's inconvenient for her.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!

The Faces - Maybe I'm Amazed

Could you read my mind?

A couple months ago something happened to me, that has left me stuck in the middle of pain and anger. That's a very "lonely place" to be. I don't like being here by myself but I am. I try to tell you how I feel and that I can't just switch it off. No words could describe, I wish you could just read my mind.

I go through my daily routine feeling like I'm different...........a void...........something isn't right and I am overwhelmed. It doesn't seem fair for the kids so I smile and try not to be too transparent. Feeling dissatisfied and unappreciated is a hard thing to hide. You have been preoccupied with your own things lately and are making adjustments accordingly. And we have been more at odds, then together. This transition will pass.

With the recent news, I feel a need, an opportunity to step out of myself and be there for you. You seem unresponsive. Like how I have been to your advances before. Processing can only be defined by the individual. Sincerety can only be felt by the receiver. I believe that sincerety comes when the concern is not one that takes things "personally" about something unrelated and recipitates with an insult. I will try to be there for you, sincerely.

Let me paint a picture in your mind. When I was little, there was a time when my Dad was my whole world. Things started to change, he was less patient, there was less time for us and he was too busy fighting with Mom. In attempts to recapture what we had, I would have heart-to-heart talks with him. The "deep thinker" outings became ranting sessions. The quizing games from Mom when I arrived home were unbearable. Then he started drinking and I felt I had lost him permanently. He would never be the same, we would never be the same, this man was different from what I grew to know. I was in "a lonely, unfamiliar place". When that little girl senses a major change, inside I panic. I have to say something, get things off my chest before I loose my chance to reach him. This may be the last chance I have to recapture what is slipping away before he becomes a different man. That different man can occur for different reasons. My men, change with loss.

You may have lost your Dad, and in that loss your relationship with your son, has been reborn. This has been an aching void in your life. A source of that overwhelming, without the switch. I am glad you have that again, I am happy you have this to help you through this loss. This will be a reconnecting, refamiliarization of different men, at different times in their lives. This is exciting and you have a second chance to be what you were. A father to your son. You need each other.

But for some reason we haven't felt need for one another. Does that make us indifferent? Is that okay not to need each other through this? Are we afraid, that when it is all over we will return different people? For a moment, that is what I think and then in my lonely place...........I have consoled that little girl. Cause even in those familiar thought patterns, I am different and have learned to be resiliant. That is where I find strength. It's not a choice, just the course of my nature. The nature of my process.