Nero - This Way (HQ)

I just want to scream as loud as I can for...............

............her to WAKE UP! Just when I thought my daughter's lifestyle of "doing nothing" couldn't get worse, she is up at all hours of the night and sleeps half of the day away. Her boyfriend must work nights?! But even so he must be busy working in order to still have a job. It is so hard, actually heartbreaking to go throughout my day with that puriferral view of my daughter "doing nothing." She graduated 4 months ago and most of her friends are working, going to school or both. It's very difficult to motivate a child who is still very much a child and doesn't like the responsibilities that come with or take to be a grown up. In many ways she just wants to be taken care of. I think I have failed her in that way. Raising a single child on my own for many years, just to get busy with other things like a husband and another child. I think she is still 10, waiting for her mother to return without her added busy-ness and responsibility. I think she'll be waiting for a long time. I have set aside time for her, I have tried to reach her in different ways and I have been unsuccessful. She is cooperative for awhile and soon looses interest in whatever time or activity I have commited to. I try to do something to promote physical activity or provide a window to have heart-to-hearts. She is 18, in her own little world and I mean "little."
When I was her age I had worked since I was 16, helped babysit/raise my two younger siblings and couldn't wait to start my life doing what I wanted without my mother's thumb on everything that I showed interest in. Self-expression was not permitted and/or supported. When that's all I want for my daughter. Spread her wings and make her dreams and aspirations come true. For her to see that her relationships aren't all of her world but just a big perk in her world. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs.........WAKE UP!!!!!!

The one person I should be able to trust...........

....................has on occasion at her convenience, rejected her own blood. For what reason on this Earth does she have to justify abandoning her role and responsibilty to her child(ren)? I couldn't even begin to understand the thought or feelings that would surface to have a parent behave in such a way. The unhealthiness of the individual who can act on this over and over through time, without remorse or change.......... is quite disturbing. I would not want such an individual who doesn't know love, compassion, patience, acceptance and understanding to coexist amongst my family or myself. What would she have to offer other then darkness, rejection, pain and negativity?  I will not allow someone so hung up on trying to navigate my course in life, to treat me in such a way. I have done nothing else but give of myself, be myself and love this person all my life. She doesn't deserve or appreciate that, I have nothing else here to give. I don't believe you ever wanted me to have any love, joy or success in my life. Despite your failings of trying to control me, I have managed to find, possess and claim these blessings on my own........for myself. Knowing this, ask yourself did you get what you wanted? Do you have what you want? Do you believe you know best? I can say when I go to rest my head at night, THAT I DO!

What is there left to say?

I am a mellow dramatic queen
      and you are the drama king............will you love me anyway?

I am a fire on your fuse
      and you are the fuse that already blew............should you love me anyway?

I am a armored heart full of emotion
      and you are a spirit driven sword always in motion............can you love me anyway?

I am a friend you never had
      and you are the love of my life, they said was bad.........what do they know of love anyway?

I am a girl of your dreams
      and you are the boy of many schemes............could there be love beyond today?

I am the one that was there
      and you were the soul that didn't care...........almost threw it all away?

I am a flower that never grew
      and you have wings that never flew............what is it that makes us stay?

I am the hope that has brought us here
      and you are the doubt that sheds a tear..........who is to ask if I may?

I am the midnight sky full of little stars
      and you are the planets like Jupiter, like Mars......is there love in a different way?

I am the meaning in your life
      and you have not asked me to be your wife.........would you ever love me in that way?

I am the lost lamb that went astray
      and you are the tired, long traveled, Shepard that has led me to say.......have you loved me all the way?

Written in 2002 by me

Winery Barn

What if like Pottery Barn, Pampered Chef and Tubberware parties, we could come up with a unique bottle of wine or beer representing each personality and have it brewed? Have certain characteristics represent ingredients and certain backgrounds, style and values of that unique blend, mixed together. What wine would you be? A fruity chardonnay, a strong Merlot or unforgettable Pinot Noir?
And then of course after we are put in a bottle with our magical blend of smells and taste, slap a label on it and pour that man the most intoxicating glass of our essence. And as they say, we better with age.

Middle-aged Lifestyle

Discovering the rough edges of my adult self and fine tuning what's healthy and unhealthy. Going beyond the surface and reaching for the core. The edges let me know whether I am too manic or too depressed. As well as, if I am too full of rage or too silent and withdrawn. The spaciousness of adulthood can help label those strengths and weaknesses, discriminate what is liked and disliked and look outside the box. From the inside looking out, am I really that simple.........that square? I feel more complex than I look.