God has granted me the wisdom to know the difference......Part 2

There was a tremendous amount of growing up I did when I accepted the fact that my husband was/is emotionally unavailable. At first, I was so hurt by his lack of presence in certain stages of my pregnancy with our son, Joe. I appreciated how supportive he was when I had the fall in the store. I hated how he acted so calm and uninterested in my labor pains while we waited, that was reason enough for me to be resentful for awhile. Even though I had planned C-section that arrived early, that didn’t mean the labor hurt less or that I was less of a woman for not birthing naturally. I can’t blame him for not knowing what to do or fear being a disappointment in the sight of my expectations. It isn’t everyday that we deal with such issues. I never communicated a game plan of my needs, just thought he would know that automatically. Maybe that would change when he became a father.

When we finally found out the source of Joe’s leg pain and heard that they missed the bone cyst in the first x-ray……I was so infuriated at such negligence but I wasn’t sure how I was going to react as Joe’s advocate. Because in my mind, I should have been more aggressive about finding an answer, weeks ago and shouldn’t of relied on the expertise of one doctor. I still have to decide if I want to make a big stink about it. For now, I am still focusing on Joe’s treatment and a solution to all this. I was beside myself when I went home with this news. A huge ball of anxiety thinking back of all the risks and close calls Joe had had in the last month. If he had fractured his femur and we didn’t know what was present there, that fracture could have been and can still be life threaten-ing. It took a while to process this information and I thank God everyday for watching over my boy. The look in Peter’s face said that he agreed that we were fortunate that this wasn’t worse. We went home and consoled each other as a couple…..and as a family. That night my husband thought the need for affection that I expressed that day was a sign that I would be open to a stress relief invitation. Again, a sign that my husband doesn’t always know what I need.

That was just another blow to his ego and he couldn’t help but take it personally. My mind, body and soul was busy being a Mother who was scared for her son. I wasn’t gonna draw any attention to what was expected of me from others……I need to be there for my Joe.

We got told many things about what the best step for Joe was. At first, we thought they would perform an MRI and maybe check for other bone cysts. Logical to me and when Joe started asking questions about how his leg was gonna be treated, the MRI was a relief in his mind. Emotionally I prepared him for a ride in a rocket ship, as the MRI machine took an x-ray of his whole body. That he would have to be put to sleep so he doesn’t freak out inside the machine. While we waited for our appointment to see a specialist in Oakland the conversation topic of this day was not one Joe couldn’t handle whenever it came up. He was okay with it…..he was ready. Then I found out they wanted to stick with their other idea of the bone biopsy. They were afraid there was an infection at the site of the bone cyst. Well, did I tell Joe this? Of course not! I was okay with him thinking what he was.

Day before the appointment, Joe had been promised Star Wars Lego boxes for his bravery during this procedure. He was not to open the boxes til we left the hospital. So as you can already imagine, we all wanted this day to be over. The morning of, I was in one of my panic mode moods without making it too obvious to Joe. But when my husband and my daughter had to wake up to a drill Sergent type yell, they knew I wasn’t one to be messed with that day. The adults in the house looked like the walking dead and poor Joe was silent. He wasn’t suppose to eat and he didn’t even want to drink in the time period allowed. We got there in Oakland and the preparation of the biopsy was the longest. The waiting, trying to keep Joe’s mind off what everyone was doing, took effort. My husband kept falling asleep and I couldn’t imagine closing one eye at a time like this. Joe needed us to be strong, alert and attentive in my opinion. Again, during a time when I would think my husband would be a basket case like me. I finally said something to him when they told us the doctor and anesthesiologist were coming in soon to talk to us. That’s when all my efforts to prep Joe emotionally went to hell in 10 seconds. The doctor proceeded to give us details and I shushed him, knowing Joe was listening too. He looked at me like why am I being silenced and I told him what I had prepped Joe for. Guess he didn’t appreciate that I would lie to Joe or didn’t understand I wanted him to keep his explanation vague. As adults we know what is gonna happen. Why instill fear in a 5 year old, if it isn’t necessary. With Joe as his patient I guess he thought it was protocol to tell a patient the details of the procedure, no matter what his age. And the reaction was no surprise. Joe lost it when he heard the doctor tell him he was, “gonna put a needle in his bad leg and take a sample.” Joe was crying and shaking. And as all the grown-ups made attempts to calm Joe down in their own way, we we’re all talking at one time and only made Joe angry. Joe started yelling at the “bad people,” telling them he refuses to go to sleep and no one was gonna touch him. We finally got him to calm down a little when Joe got to decide who was gonna go in the operating room with him. They had decided that after that blow out, the IV insert should wait til he went to sleep. As I put on the scrubs, booties and “shower looking” cap, I was smiling and focusing on how silly I looked. We walked in and Joe was fine again. The operating room was so intimidating and somewhat overwhelming. I pulled him onto the table, held his hand while he got sleepy and gave him a kiss…….then got escorted quickly out of the operating room.

I couldn’t hold the tears in any longer. All the times I wanted to join Joe in his suffering, I couldn’t. He looked to me, to keep it together. When I went back to the waiting room, my husband was looking at a magazine and daughter texting on her phone. The biopsy was a 10 minute procedure. But it seemed like longer, trying to distract my thoughts I started asking Vanessa how her day at the river went. Then the doctor came out and said the procedure went well, my husband didn’t lift his head from the magazine. Doctor gave us an idea as to what to expect as the anesthesia wore off and what they were gonna do with the samples. Still he didn’t raise his head from the magazine. I couldn’t thank the doctor enough for doing his best to find out what was going on with Joe. I had a little melt down. The doctor reassured me that even though everything was gonna take time we were gonna get this resolved and my daughter consoled me. A nurse came later to take us to the recovery stations and Joe was still sleeping. I stood in anticipation wanting to be the first face Joe saw when he woke up as the nurse continued her data entry on the computer. My husband sat down, closed his eyes and waited. He had even asked for a blanket, since it was so cold in there. It was possible we would be waiting for an hour or two for Joe to wake up. Believe me Peter got comfortable. Us women; the nurse, my daughter and myself stood waiting for Joe, passing the time with artificial chat and how Joe came to be there. In all this I was expecting a more concerned, supportive and compassionate husband. Reality is who is to say that he wasn’t but in his own way. We all process things differently. We all choose to react when we do. Who am I to say he is emotionally unavailable. He is exactly who he is. As for me, I am comfortable and confident that in my heart and mind, I am where I need to be…………doing exactly what I should be doing and that’s all that matters.

God has granted me the wisdom to know the difference.

It hasn’t been easy dealing with the women in my brother’s life. They have this way about them that I just can’t define in a few terms. The deceitfulness of insecure women and their inferiority complexes is so obvious when they are trying to be nice. They are so transparent, even without being vain. I just know they are up to something or want information when they pretend to be concerned. Sssspinning their little webs everywhere and leaving emotional traps for their entertainment or ego boosts.
What I hate the most is how they hold my brother ransom emotionally and he is so caught up in his desire to be accepted by these women, he is oblivious to their ambush techniques.
Either that or he just needs to man-up to these women and quit letting them control him.
Talking about controlling people. They think they are the puppet master and those strings aren't felt at all by their victims.
It’s funny how my husband reacts to these controlling women and how he tries to trigger up some reaction in me about the games they play. When the insults, the betrayal, the disrespect isn’t even directed at him. But yet he is another inferiority complex trying to get me to act a certain way. I know that that is his past talking and I don’t say anything cause I understand where it is coming from. Just because I choose not to do anything doesn't mean I'm not intelligent enough to know what is going on. I choose not to react because what is the point? It's a waste of my time and energy to tell these people who they are and if I did say something......why would I think so highly of my opinion to think it would revive them to change. For example, I hate when people complain about certain characteristics they have in themselves. So this time, it backfired and I showed my husband a reflection of himself. I am dealing with enough with my son. I don’t have the energy to deal with this drama. When will my husband ever accept that I am a Mother first? Before I am a wife or a woman. It is infused in me. Ever since my mid teens when I became an older sister to two small siblings. I can’t be the Mother I want to be, or have been; if I am busy stroking egos. My husband went off to contemplate this load of reality I threw on his lap cause I am tired of the games. Tell me how you feel without all the bullshit and I will respect you more for it. I will be more compassionate to your needs. I will acknowledge what you feel is important. Until then I will continue to see your attempt to express your needyness and keep my distance until you can properly communicate without inflicting pain. This can also be perceived as another controlling attempt. Pain is not enough when your disappointed in someone else's behavior. I know no matter what I do I am gonna make someone unhappy. In my heart and mind I believe I am doing what is right and I am where I am suppose to be. I will not be made to feel guilty for who I am or who I need to be for my kids. I am too old to not be taken seriously in my responsibilities. I would think that that deserves support and/or respect. If you can't respect me enough to think I need to be fooled into thinking what you want. The dynamics of what I see, how I act and what I don’t say for your sake is the deepest type of acceptance and love I could ever give and it's you that is MISSING OUT ON US!