Reality-a-la-carte. All you can eat sweet and sour moments.

April 19th I found out that after 15 years of no contact, my father died of prostate cancer. The news was something I had already played over several times in my head in that 15 years and my heart had somewhat accepted. The possibility of him being dead was more likely to accept then the pain of his silence for so long and moving on with his life. WRONG!
Cause when reality dealt that card, I didn’t want to hear that he was dead and I wasn’t angry that he had stayed away so long. The only thing I felt was sadness that he had been so sick and I wasn’t given the opportunity to care for him or help in any way. In the 2 years that he knew about his cancer, he had decided not to do chemotherapy and let the cancer take it’s natural course. But when I went on to hear how he spent his days, I just broke down and cried. Releasing my deep routed tears was accompanied by an overwhelming pride for how my dad chose to spend his time. I was so proud of him. He had found purpose in his life and was reaching out to those less fortunate, coordinating meals for the elderly and needy. He had been taken under the "spiritual" protective wing of a Christian couple in Little Rock. Arkansas. They gave him shelter, a place to work and became his family. I found comfort looking at the pictures my sister took of his surrounding home and work areas. Knowing that his atmosphere/space was just a transference of something I grew to love as a child. There was no 2 ton question mark over my head. He was still the father I knew and loved. I live true to what he taught me. Being true to expression of oneself, be creative, appreciate family, celebrate life, the outdoors and God's creation, find strength and trust in my own inner voice, don't waste precious moments (watching tv) and always keep a sense of humor for your own sanity.
After a childhood of disappointment in how my parents dealt with each other, their resentments or regrets while struggling with the stresses of life, I couldn't rationalize the bitter taste left in my mouth that I carried into my own adult life. Through personal growth, true love and acceptance of my own reality, sweet and sour would have to be my taste of preference in general. Taking the bad with the good concept. Which I would like to follow in my fathers foot steps and find a way to help others while I process my own troubles. But even if my good semariton career doesn't come through, I know that my good deeds and best efforts as a decent human being will be a daily occurance in everything I do. Thank you Dad, for who you are inside of me. Much love to you! 

My belief in God

I believe that he is merciful
I believe he is in all of us
I believe that he is wanting our love
I believe he needs our help to save others
I believe that he resides with Dad and Chris but is everywhere all the time through all of us
I believe he disagrees with a lot of what is being protrayed in Christianity
That we have put our own ingredients and interpretations into it and it's so far gone to try and filter it all out
Spirituality can not be defined by anyone but you
But in all religions I find it hard to leave the concept of God and all his creation out of it. It's impossible
The Bible is a guide for DUMMIES who need an excuse to back up their own insane inner mumbling
I don't need a bible or followers to tell me how spiritual I am or define my worth in the eyes of God.
He does that everyday and the day will come when I will face him and he will accept me with his eyes and I will know I did good by him and myself
That's what I believe